My Journey

Spiritual Warfare

2006-08-16T19:31:00.000+10:00

I was recently speaking with a friend about deperession & spiritual warefare. She had ordinary, run of the mill depression (if there is such a thing...) and I had PND. We are both Christians.

We found that we couldn't pray while depressed. I found that there were times when I couldn't sing in church & struggled to read bible stories to my kids.

The funniest thing (or strangest thing) was the weeks I felt I didn't want to go to church were the weeks I needed to be there the most. They were the weeks when someone preached something, prayed something or there was a song that had a message that touched me and broke through the brick wall that was my depression. I have posted before about how the community supported me, especially on bad days when all I could do was cry. I now believe this was part of it all.

Church was a place where I felt safe and I felt my kids were safe. Everyone there was family and they loved and supported us in a way that many others didn't or couldn't. I think because they were that 1 step removed, that helped, but also they supported me in a way my non-Christian friends & supports couldn't - with prayer support.

I also started listening to Light FM, the local Christian radio station. There was often a song or word there that spoke right to where I was at.

The more I think about it, the more I believe that depression, or the effect of the depression, is covert spiritual warfare. It's pretty scary stuff!

Something funny

2006-04-06T14:36:00.000+10:00

There are so many things that have happened that at the time seemed like a tragedy, but now are so funny!

One memorable time happened when I was about 6 weeks pregnant with Zac. Nat was about 15 months old.

Picture the scene, I am feeling as sick as anything with morning sickness. Nat is no where near toilet trained and has the worst nappy of his life (who knows what he'd eaten...). Every time I went near him, I felt like running for the toilet myself!! I burst in to tears. I must be the worst Mum in the world because I can't even change my baby's nappy, why am I having another one???

I get on the phone and ring Panda (by now they are on speed dial) and pour it all out to the counsellor on the other end of the phone - I'm pregnant, have PND/AND, my baby has a pooey nappy, I can't go near him, I'm such a bad mum, and so on. She reassures me & calms me down, and reminds me that if I had gastro, I would let myself be sick and not be feeling so distressed & sorry for myself. She then talked me through changing the nappy, including having a chat with Nat when I needed both hands!

From then until I wasn't suffering so much with morning sickness, I would ring someone whenever Nat had a smelly nappy. Often I would start the call with "Hi, Nat has a pooey nappy, please talk to me so I can change it!"

Friends...

2006-03-17T10:59:00.000+11:00

One of the saddest things about this whole journey has been the friends I have lost. Most just drifted away, mostly because I didn't have the energy to put time in to the friendships.

Those who stuck around are still fantastic friends.

To keep friendships going, here are my tips for the friends:
- Just be there, ready to listen, do housework, hold the baby, etc. More often than not, it helps Mum knowing you are around
- Respect Mums wishes - if she's having a bad day & doesn't want to talk to anyone, remember it's not about you & chances are she'll be feeling better the next day :)
- Do unexpected things - such as bringing around a meal.
- Hang in there - PND doesn't last forever, and supportive friends make a HUGE difference

For the Mum:
- Remember your friends want to help - don't be too proud to ask. Chances are they are longing for something to help you with
- Choose the people you open up to. Not everyone can handle listening to depressing thoughts or listen to you cry.

Why this blog?

2006-03-16T15:53:00.000+11:00

For all my new visitors, welcome to my blog.

My name is Melissa and I have 2 gorgeous sons. Over the last 4.5 years, I have had post and ante natal depression twice. It has been a long journey, and one that is continuing.

Part of my recovery is talking about what I have been through and what has helped me. That is what this blog is all about.

Some posts are my observations on life in general. Some posts are things that have helped me. And others are about me and my family.

I hope you will find this blog useful - whether you are an interested reader, have PND or AND or know someone who has.

Impact on your relationship

2006-03-16T15:44:00.000+11:00

PND is hard for your partner and causes a huge strain. The full effects may not be realised for months, or even years.

In hindsight, I wish we had done the following:
- counselling for DH as well as me, with our own counsellors
- when we were ready, marriage counselling
- PND support for Dads - they really need it - it's hard on them & often they can do nothing right
- time out for each of us, both together and apart
- lessons on marriage skills - especially communication & conflict management

The biggest thing we found was the lack of support for DH. Often he would be pushed to the side while I was being cared for - both while I was in hospital and when I was home. He's told me he often felt picked on by my doctors and completely alone and confused.

If you have a family member or a friend with PND, don't forget about her partner. He needs looking after too. In some ways this is more important than looking after Mum as it will give him the strength and encouragement to look after his wife and baby, especially when she can't give him any positive feedback.

A baby with no name

2006-01-05T07:01:00.000+11:00

When Nathaniel was born, we knew right away that was his name. The strange thing was that I couldn't call him by his name for months! I'd refer to him as Beautiful Boy or Beautiful Baby or The Baby, but rarely called him by name.

My family used to tease me that he'd grow up not knowing his name!

Looking back, I can see this was part of the depression and being disconnected from life. It was a strange feeling, almost unreal.

I didn't have the same thing with Zachariah.

Obsession

2006-01-03T15:50:00.000+11:00

I was talking with a friend today & we were comparing notes about PND. One thing we both had in common was obsessions with the little things.

One that I had was sorting pegs on the washing line. I would line up the different colours and types and have a different one on each line. Each item of clothing had to have matching pegs on them. Sometimes I would even colour coordinate the peg to the clothes! A few times it was so bad I would rehang clothes my husband had hung out just so the pegs matched.

There were also certain lines that the socks and underwear had to hang on, and then everything else. I got to the stage if someone else hung out the washing I wouldn't go in the back yard in case I'd redo it all!

Another one I had was how the plates were stacked. We had mismatched plates and bowls that had been collected from various sources when we first got married. They had to be piled in a certain order, with the largest on the bottom and the smallest on top. Again, I would reorder them if anyone mixed them up.

My house looked like a bomb site as housework wasn't something I could cope with, but these small obsessions helped me keep control of my life to a small extent.

Gorgeous boys

2005-05-26T17:27:00.000+10:00

Here is an updated photo of me and my boys:

In spite of all I have been through the last 3.5 years, my boys are continuing to grow and be wonderful, caring boys. Mind you, as I type this they are alternating between playing nicely together and trying to kill each other! I suppose that's brothers for you.

Both boys are happy and are doing everything they should be doing, and many they shouldn't be doing! I'm constantly amazed at how wonderful they are, even though I may feel guilty about what I have and haven't been feeling for them. It helps a lot that they have people around them who love them and care for them and are able to make them feel special, including their Mummy.

We bought a CD from My CDs for Nathaniel. There is a song that I sing to both boys, interchanging their names:
Nathaniel, I think you're special
I hope you know you're loved in every way
Nathaniel, I think you're special
Your smile can really brighten up my day

They love it when I sing this to them and I've even heard Nat singing it to Zac:
Zachariah, I think you're special
I hope you know you're loved in every way
Zachariah, I think you're special
Your smile can really brighten up my day
It's very cute.

Having my 2 wonderful boys with me, and seeing how much they are growing makes everything worth while.

Starting a Business

2005-05-12T07:28:00.000+10:00

Starting my business has been another lifesaver in my PND journey.

I started Business Mums Network when Nathaniel was 6 months old. I did minimal research and had no business plan - things you are meant to do/have. I put up a front page and a message board and it grew from there.

The beauty of a web based business is you can hide behind the computer screen, so it doesn't matter if you can't face people. You can also work in your PJs and at strange hours. Business Mums Network grew faster than I ever dreamed! In the first 6 months we had over 100 members on the message board, and I had done no real marketing. I simply participated on message boards with my URL in my profile and my signature and members told their friends.

My doctor said that my business really helped me with PND first time around.

When Zaccy was born and I was in hospital with PND, the outpouring of support from my members was amazing. There were many Mums in the network who had been there and understood that I wasn't always available. Members also rallied around to keep the message boards moving and running smoothly. It was such an honour to be part of such a wonderful group of women.

I have found that my business has helped me find an identity again. I am not "just" Nat & Zac's Mum or Yakov's wife. I am also a business person. And I have found a career path - something I didn't think of when I was at high school, but something that really suits me and that I love.

If you want to find out more about Business Mums Network, please visit www.businessmums.com

My church - St Paul's Boronia

2005-05-02T09:17:00.000+10:00

My church has been a life line, especially during Zachariah's pregnancy and post-natal period, and also now. I currently attend St Paul's Anglican Church in Boronia, Victoria.

At the start of my pregnancy, my church friends were among the first to know, and I am so glad of that. As Ante-Natal depression kicked in around 6 weeks in to the pregnancy, I needed extra support. When I hurt my back and was told I couldn't do any housework, the church community rallied around and helped out. They came and washed dishes and floors and cleaned bathrooms and vacuumed. Knowing I had someone come and be there with me was so appreciated. They also came and visited for a chat.

There were also quite a few times when I wasn't coping and didn't want to be alone. I was able to phone someone and they would come and sit with me and Nat. Most of the time they would play with Nat so I could sit quietly and catch my breath.

I go to church every Sunday, no matter how I feel. If I am having a bad day, I know I NEED to be there. I am able to fall apart if I need to and know there are people on hand to look after and play with the boys - and someone who can give me a hug and a tissue. There are people there who pray with me and for me, and I can renew my soul.

For a long time, I felt there was a huge block and I couldn't pray or even sing in church. Slowly but surely, the block is lifting. Last Sunday I was able to sing the praise songs and really mean them. I am also starting to pray again.

Rosemary has been a fantastic prayer support. Every Sunday we pray together after church, or, rather, she prays for me. It helps keep me going through the week, and I know when I don't have it! It makes such a huge difference.

The church community at St Pauls still supports me. There have been times recently when I haven't been doing well and they will bring a casserole around. If I am having a bad day, I know I can ring someone for a chat, or ask them around for coffee. If I am having a good day and want to say hi, there are people who are happy to hear from me. One thing that means a lot to me is that the community is so large and there are so many people for support, I know they won't get sick of me in a hurry!!

Even if you are not part of a church, find a community that offers this sort of support. It is invaluable.

Two steps forward, ? steps back

2005-05-01T19:55:00.000+10:00

This is what living with PND is like. Often things will be going well for a while, then something will happen and you feel like you are back at the beginning again. This could be anything from PMT to the kids not sleeping properly to stepping on a block to a panic attack to dinner burning, to nothing you can identify at all!!

The hardest setback for me was PMT! AF dropped by 14 months after Zaccy was born. The first visit was easy, but the day before the second one, I had a horrible day and felt like I had when I was in the darkest depths of depression. Nothing identifiable had triggered it at the time, apart from not having a promised sleep in. I was exhausted and feeling so low, it was scary. I spent most of the day in tears and on the phone to lifeline. The next day AF appeared. The following month, I had a rough day, and thought it was probably PMT again. Low and behold, AF reared her ugly head the next day. The hardest part, especially the first time, was feeling as if all the good work I had done had been in vain and that there was no point if I was still feeling this low. It didn't seem to matter that I had been doing really well with no bad days for over a month!

It really is two steps forward and one step back - though sometimes it can feel like more than 1 step!! But every time, it gets better and there are more good days than bad.

Baby Steps

2005-04-28T09:35:00.000+10:00

One thing I have learned about PND is to take Baby Steps. Trying to do everything at once becomes overwhealming and nothing gets done.

For example, looking after myself. Instead of trying to have a skin care routine, have clothes that look good all the time, exercies, loose weight, eat right, and go to the hairdresser regularly all at once, I focussed on one thing at a time. For quite a while, having a good skin care routine was what I focussed on. Now I have a great morning routine (I'm still working on the night one!). I am now starting to exercise regularly.

It's the same with housework. I now have a good routine of getting the dishes done every morning. I am now working on making sure the breakfast things are away and the floor swept every day.

I give myself a few months if I need it, and I work at my own pace. I can't work at someone elses pace. Though it hard feeling that I'm not meeting up to the perceived expectations of others (I'm working on changing this too!).

Recovering from PND is a long, slow process. I have found that wanting it to hurry up just makes things slower!

Be good to yourself and take baby steps. As one ad said "It won't happen overnight, but it WILL happen".

Image Consultants

2005-04-26T09:20:00.000+10:00

This is one therapy that I am sure doctors don't consider!

I have seen 2 image consultants - Helen from Image Quest and Imogen from Bespoke Image. I can't recommend them highly enough.

It has been amazing the changes in my mood since I saw them and started following their advice. Wearing colours that suit me, and clothes that help me look fantastic makes such a difference.

I was also lucky enough to go shopping with Imogen last Sunday. That was one of the best shopping trips I have ever been on. If something didn't fit properly, I wasn't allowed to dwell on it as Imogen would hand me something else to try on. I also tried on colours and styles I wouldn't normally consider. The end result was I had a gorgeous top to wear and looked stunning for my TV appearance.

If body image is something you are struggling with, especially if it comes to what you are wearing, I highly recommend going to an image consultant and getting your colours and style profile done.

On TV yesterday (and a bit of a rant!)

2005-04-26T09:14:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I was on Channel 7s Sunrise talking about PND. I was told it would be about coping strategies and how my business had helped me. Instead most of it was about symptoms!!

I think people are starting to recognise the symptoms & talk about them more, but not much is talked about how to deal with them and get through them and get well! Why don't they talk much about that??

I'm more committed than ever to keep this blog and fill it with things that have helped and things that haven't so other mother's can read it and, hopefully, get some ideas.

Breastfeeding

2005-04-22T12:01:00.000+10:00

For many women with PND, breastfeeding is not for them. For me, I found it to be a lifesaver, in more ways than one!

I am very lucky. Both my boys attached well after birth, and I had a good milk supply. We had minimal problems getting feeding established.

With Nathaniel, in the early days, giving him a feed was the only thing that would settle him. It was foolproof, no matter where we were or what time it was. I became quite confident feeding him in strange places - I even sat down in the middle of a busy Target store at one point.

If I was having a really bad day, one where the house was a bomb site, no dishes or washing had been done, and life was just too hard, I knew I had fed my baby. It also helped on those bad days when I didn't want anything to do with him as it meant I had contact with him at least those times of the day.

Breastfeeding also allowed me to have more sleep! In the middle of the night we would curl up in bed and feed, often both of us would fall asleep. I would also fall asleep sitting on the couch while feeding!

I was lucky enough to feed Nathaniel until he was 19 month, and, at 16 months, the breastfeeding relationship with Zachariah is still going strong.

If you want some advice about breastfeeding, visit www.breastfeeding.asn.au

Best ways to support

2005-04-11T16:26:00.000+10:00

I thought I'd share with you some of the best ways my friends and family have supported me through the last few years. These are the GOOD things, things that have helped. This might give you some ideas on how you can support someone with PND, or, if you have PND, it can give you some ideas of things to ask for:

Casseroles - my church has a casserole bank. Having a meal delivered is a huge help, especially when you get sick of take away!
Time out - from hubby and the kids, time to just be ME & do something I enjoy.
Housework - people coming in to help with the housework. Especially if I've been having a run of bad days. The best was when my family sent me to bed to sleep & then cleaned for me.
Pampering - this really helped me feel special & human. Party plan consultants, such as Nutrimetics, Mary Kay and The Body Shop at Home are great for this!
Clothes Shopping - for my birthday after Nat was born, my Mum took me clothes shopping and Dad looked after Nat. It was time out & it's amazing how my mood lifted with something new.
A shoulder to cry on - often if I was having a bad day, the best thing was having someone give me a hug... and a box of tissues!
Someone to talk to - this is very important. Having a friend listen to me and not try to solve anything helped a lot.

I hope some of these ideas can help you.

Mail Denial

2005-04-07T10:47:00.000+10:00

When I was having a tough time, I would withdraw and hide away. If there were things I couldn't cope with, I wouldn't put myself in to a situation where I would have to face them.

One of the biggest was Mail Denial. Anything that looked official or like a bill, I wouldn't open. I'd leave it on the table or put it on hubby's desk, or do whatever it was so I didn't have to face the contents.

Unfortunately this resulted in our phone & utilities being cut off! But I just couldn't deal with it.

I have been told by my doctors that this is quite common. So know you're not alone here.

When I'm feeling good, I will open mail, but it's still hard going back over the piles of envelopes I couldn't deal with at the time.

Creativity

2005-04-07T03:57:00.000+10:00

When I was in high school I did a lot of writing. I won awards and got stories and articles published. I have always loved to write. I have also been crafty also - cross stitch mostly, but I'd try just about anything!

One of the hardest things I found was dealing with writers block and a lack of creativitiy. I couldn't concentrate on anything! It was all too hard.

When Nathaniel was about 9 months old, a friend invited me to a Creative Memories home class. I had a great time, coming away with a 2 page layout and a breakthrough to my creativity block! I was hooked - religiously attending workshops and probably spending way too much money on supplies! Shortly before Zachariah was born, I signed on as a consultant, mostly to feed my habit!

When he was born, with the onset of PND once more, my creativity and scrapbooking suffered greatly. I am getting back in to it now with the help of my wonderful upline, Kelly Davis, and other scrapbooking friends. I attend Kelly's workshops, and at a recent family holiday, spend as much time as possible scrapping.

I have also started writing again. Keeping a blog is a huge help as I can get my ramblings down and break through my writers block.

Another huge advantage to scrapbooking is that I remember the good times we had and can see that not everything was black and dark. Also, I can share those memories with my kids. Sometimes it's hard to remember the good times, but going back through my scrapbooks really help me to remember.

Who am I?

2005-04-05T08:03:00.000+10:00

One of the biggest struggles I have found with PND is working out who I am. I seem like a stranger - to myself and everyone around me. I'm a completely different person, and part of my recovery is working out who I am again. What do I like to do? Who do I like to talk to? What things help me relax? It's an uphill battle.

I'm also working to rediscover my dreams. When I began to dream again - that was a HUGE breakthrough. In the depths of depression, I couldn't see an hour from now, or tomorrow, let alone years from now. Many of the dreams I had when I was younger fell by the wayside. Seeing my siblings realise their dreams was very hard. I felt as though I'd been left behind somehow.

The book that started me dreaming again is Mom Management by Tracy Lyn Moland. I began chatting with Tracy Lyn as she was writing the book and finally bought a copy last year. It is a brilliant book. I read through it and downloaded the worksheets (I really must get them out again and revisit them!). The worksheets are very easy to use and helped to give me permission to focus on myself and my dreams.

I am still working out who I am and what my dreams are. But I do know the following:

I enjoy scrapbooking
Cross stitch relaxes me
I enjoy talking to Mum's about their businesses
My boys are the centre of my universe
I AM a GREAT mum
I have made some fantastic friends, including Tash, Libby-Jane, Ally, and Char, who are happy to talk and don't seem to get tired of me when I'm having a down day. Thanks guys.

One of the exciting things is seeing how far I have come and realising that I am a great person. Some days it doesn't seem like it, but, thankfully, those days are getting fewer and far between.

My Story

2005-04-04T13:07:00.000+10:00

To start things off, here is my story so far.

My name is Melissa. I have been married to Yakov for 7 years and we have 2 beautiful boys, Nathaniel (Nat) and Zachariah (Zac).

My first pregnancy was unplanned. The week we conceived was the first week of my new job. I had horrible morning sickness & as a result was fired after 8 weeks. I was 8 weeks pregnant. My FIL died when I was 11 weeks pregnant and at 28 weeks, we thought baby was going to arrive. Thankfully he held on - but was 5 days overdue!

When he was born, I didn't get the Baby Blues on day 3, as everyone told me I would. They came on day 7, and stayed! This was the day after my follow up visit from the hospital and before I'd met with my maternal & child health nurse.

When Nat was about 2 weeks old, he started screaming. He didn't sleep much, was constantly wanting to feed, and was very unsettled. I was exhausted! I saw my health nurse for the first time around then (she was on holiday when he was born, and I'd only seen a temp) and took one look at me in tears & knew I had PND then, but I didn't want to admit it.

After 3 months of a very unsettled baby, I went to a parenting centre where they diagnosed Nat with Silent Reflux. After one dose of medication, he was a different baby. Almost right away he started having regular sleeps and his development went to where it should be! While at the parenting centre, I was also diagnosed with PND. The doctor also said it sounded like I had AND while pregnant too!!

The dr in the parenting centre put me on medication, and I was sent home with a letter to my GP & health nurse, but no real follow up... I saw a number of counsellors, but none of them were much help. I saw a psychiatrist who kept telling me to stop breastfeeding and to see things from DHs point of view - I stopped seeing him!

I felt that very little support was given to me, and very little education to either DH or myself about PND & what strategies would help.

When Nat was 14 months old, DH & I thought it might be an idea to start TTC for baby #2. We thought it would take a while, so we just ditched the contraception. Next thing we knew - we were pregnant!!! Making our baby due on Boxing Day.

I'd been quite well from PND for a few months, and didn't expect AND at all, so we were all unprepared for the onset of depression again at around 5 weeks pregnancy. One memorable day I lost the plot because I couldn't change Nat's dirty nappy, because I was feeling so sick. I rang a counsellor from PaNDa (Post & Ante-Natal Depression Association) and she talked me through changing his nappy!!

I was put on medication again about half way through the pregnancy. I wasn't coping at all. It didn't help that I'd hurt my back too, and was told I wasn't allowed to do any housework, or lift Nat.

When I was about 8 months pregnant, my Grandma died and my brother got married, exactly a week apart!! This was a very emotional time. It was also very hot and I was having false labour pains.

By December 17, I was a mess. I made an appointment to see my dr, fully prepared to get down on hand & knees & beg him to get the baby out. (that would have been a sight!) The dr took one look at me, and decided an induction would be a VERY good idea.While he checked to see if I was ready to go, he did a stretch of the cervix. My waters broke at 3.30am on December 18.

We headed to the hospital, Nat was picked up by his Opa, and got ready for a baby.

Around 9am, they put a drip in cos nothing much was happening. My gorgeous baby was born at 11.15am.

I swear that week I was not right in the head. The day after I got home from hospital (Dec 23), I was running around getting a Christmas present for Zachariah, and food for Christmas dinner.

Everything was fine, until after Nat's birthday in January. Then I went swiftly down hill.

I wasn't coping with life, and I was seeing visions of being involved in car accidents, while I was driving the car!! Among other things. This landed me in hospital for 3 and a half weeks. My dose of medication was increased. They had to be careful because I refused to wean. I was incredibly lucky that both my boys were good feeders, and I had abundant milk supply. When all was said & done, at the end of the day, I knew I had fed my baby. It also helped with bonding - even though I wasn't feeling anything much.

Since then, I have been working hard on ME. I'm finding that small things, such as having a long shower every day (yeah, yeah, I know we have water restrictions...) helps a lot. As does not expecting too much of myself. I am also learning to say no. Sorrounding myself with supportive people also helps a lot.

Zachariah was one last December.

I have made huge progress, but still have a way to go.

About this blog

2005-04-04T13:04:00.000+10:00

I thought I would start this blog to share my journey and struggles with Post Natal Depression.

I have just been watching Dr Phil and one of the key steps to recovery is to talk about what you are going through. And that is what prompted me to start this.

I have decided that I MUST speak out about what I am going through, and I hope it helps someone. If nothing else, it will help me understand what is going on and I hope it helps me to find myself again.